Lauren

Twenty-six. What did people do when they turned twenty-six? I wondered, sighing as I shucked my heels off. How do people even celebrate their birthdays? I knew what kids did, what I’d longed for every year and never got, but did people even celebrate their birthdays when they got older? I was pretty sure Jen had cake at her last birthday, so maybe they did.

Maybe that was just Jen, though. She could be a little kooky.

I flipped on the lights in my apartment, looking as dull as it ever did but depressing me more than usual. It was just a big, empty room, lit by incandescent bulbs and echoing with silence. I wondered morosely what it would be like to have laughter and small talk in there instead, balloons and drinks on the coffee table. I wondered what it would be like to have people I cared for milling around and playing card games and wishing me a happy birthday.

I sighed but didn’t try to shake myself out of it. I knew by now it wouldn’t do any good.

My birthday was always one of the worst days of the year for me, and this was why. But, I reminded myself unenthusiastically that tomorrow would come, and tomorrow was not my birthday. My apartment would be back to being the same apartment it had always been; I’d be able to enjoy the art I’d hung on the walls without wishing I had photos to hang out instead, the silence would be soothing instead of crushing, and the freedom would feel less like loneliness. I would be proud of myself again; of all I’d accomplished on my own. I’d be able to recognize that my sorrow was bearing fruit, slowly but surely.

That was tomorrow, though. Tonight, I was allowed to miss the life I’d never had.

So I changed quietly out of my work clothes, sat on my faded green couch and thought for the thousandth time that I should try to reupholster it over the weekend. I contemplated the merits of watching television versus reading a book and ended up scrolling mindlessly through my phone instead. It was normal. Normal was good, I reminded myself.

The knock at my door was not normal, and in truth, it startled me quite a bit. Normally it wouldn’t be so bad, but today always brought back bad memories and old ghosts. The irrational part of my mind went into overdrive, imagining my mom tracking me down, and when the doorknob started turning, terror gripped me. I hadn’t locked the door, how stupid could I be? I scrambled for the phone I’d dropped in my lap, ready to call the police—when Jen stepped through the door, grocery store sushi in her hands.

I stared at her, dumbstruck. She snorted at the look on my face and rolled her eyes before grinning widely at me. “Happy birthday, birdy girl!” she called, and my eyes watered.

“Jen! I thought you were out of state?” I said, standing and rushing over to take her offering. She had a cupcake, too, with a candle stuck in the frosting, just waiting to be lit.

“It’s Iowa City; it’s not that far,” she waved me off as if driving multiple hours was trivial. “I’ll be back in time for the meeting tomorrow. Besides, I wasn’t about to let you spend your birthday alone!” My lip wobbled.

“Thanks,” I said hoarsely. Jen just laughed and wrapped her arms around me. “I don’t know what to do now, though.”

“Well, first, you hand me a lighter, and we get this bitch lit,” she said, lacking all judgment or pity. “You make your wish, and then we watch a movie or something! Or we can finish that zombie show, that thing’s hilarious. I still can’t believe they made a show about rotting corpses eating people so fucking funny.” I laughed, feeling a weight lift off and out of my chest.

“Yeah, that sounds good,” I sniffled. “Want a drink?”

As we bumbled around each other, laughing and getting settled with our cheap sushi—my favorite, embarrassingly enough—I felt light returning to the corners of my apartment. It didn’t feel so small or dim anymore. I would never be able to repay Jen for this, would I? Not that she’d ever ask, but sometimes I wondered if she had any idea how truly life-changing her friendship was for me.

The show came on, a comedic mockumentary about rebuilding society during the zombie apocalypse, and I leaned into Jen as we laughed with our mouths full. For the first time I could remember, I wasn’t going to spend my birthday crying myself to sleep.

Tomorrow was looking better than ever.

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